(First, listen to this.)
One of the most frustrating things I’ve had to come to terms
with in my 24 years of existence was accepting an excruciating emotion; you know, that gut-wrenching feeling of not
feeling good enough, loved enough, (insert anything) enough- also known as vulnerability. From the time I was
old enough to recognize it, it’s something I’ve been trained to run from. In my 20s, I developed somewhat of a personal
vengeance for it- doing everything possible to tackle it, attack it, or numb
its presence. You see, because of my job, vulnerability and I also have an
understanding with each other. It’s one of the most obvious things I can read
on people as they sit in my uncomfortable (…yet adorable) yellow chair as they
tell me about the personal struggles in their life. Vulnerability is so overwhelmingly
palpable that during its fleeting moments we don’t even know that we’ve succumb
to its powers. However, while its presence can be painful, I’ve begun to understand
that it is also an integral part of the process. The process of healing,
loving, succeeding, whatever it may is that you’ve created as your “goal”.
Vulnerability is your reality check- that hand that slaps your face to remind
you that you are still here.
One day, I was shown a TED talk with Brene Brown- who studied
the in and outs of this feeling- and it clicked. While feeling vulnerable was
excruciatingly painful, it was also a necessary part of everything. It’s not
good or bad, particularly- but, it’s neutral. So, instead of trying to run,
numb, or thinking I have the slightest bit of control over it- I’ve been
actively working on having it be my neutral. Of course, there are days where I
feel so internally insane that I laugh at myself for trying to put a positive
spin on it. But today, as I write to you across from my empty yellow chair- I
can tell you that feeling vulnerable is so much better than feeling empty,
alone, or unsatisfied. I am so incredibly lucky to have this life, this moment,
these people. Some days, I need to sit in my yellow chair and just be.
